


The Preferences of Dragons

by Koneko713



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-14
Updated: 2013-09-14
Packaged: 2017-12-26 13:02:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/966227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Koneko713/pseuds/Koneko713
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo has a few questions he wants answered about this dragon he's supposed to be facing.  The dwarves are rather unhelpful.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Preferences of Dragons

It was when they were on the way into Mirkwood that Bilbo finally got up his courage enough to ask several questions that had been bothering him since the company set out from Bag End.  Bombur had prepared a delicious supper with the supplies they’d been gifted with by Beorn.  Having to ration his ingredients hadn’t reduced his cooking skill at all, and Bilbo hummed his approval as he tasted the soup and carried his bowl over to sit on a fallen log beside Bofur.  He smiled at the dwarf, who gave him a friendly nod before turning back to his conversation with Nori, Ori, Fili and Kili, who were sitting in a tight circle.

“—And I thought the boar was going to turn on me.  Of course I hadn’t brought a spear or my sword.  Then whoosh!  Fili threw a spear and it went straight through it!”  Kili was illustrating his story with expansive gestures that threatened to tip his own bowl of soup out of his lap.

“That’s a bit of an exaggeration,” the older brother murmured, though his smile was affectionate. “It didn’t go straight through.  And I wouldn’t have had to step in if you hadn’t missed the first time.”

“I didn’t exactly expect a bloody boar to come charging out at me!” Kili protested, “We were hunting deer!”

Ori was looking awed by the tale, spoon frozen halfway to his mouth, even as Nori gave a derisive snort.  “Fairly standard hunting trip for you two, I imagine,” he commented, earning a glare from his younger brother.  “Gettin’ yourselves into trouble all the time, from what I can remember.

Bofur laughed at the loud protests from both princes, leaning back as he ate his own dinner.  “Did you need something, lad?” he asked.  “Or were you just over here to listen to our stories?”

Bilbo shrugged.  “Well, there were a few stories I was particularly interested in tonight,” he answered hesitantly.  “I was wondering if there was more you could tell me about…about the dragon.”

Bofur shifted to sit on the ground in front of the log, leaning back against it as he pulled his pipe from a pocket and set about lighting it.  “What d’ye want to know about the dragon?” he asked.  “All I can give you is from old songs and tales, but I reckon we know more about him than you do back in the Shire.”

Bilbo took a moment to sort out his thoughts, trying to decide what was most important.  “Is it true that dragons have soft spots?  Underneath, I mean.  I know they have hard scales, but I’ve always heard that their undersides are vulnerable.”

The dwarf took a moment to blow out a long, smoky breath before answering.  “Oh, aye, the dragon was said to be soft underneath, but who knows what he’s like now that he’s a century older.”

Bilbo nodded, trying to hide the fact that his next question made him severely uncomfortable, even more so than thinking a dragon with no vulnerable spots.

“Well, another thing that happens a lot, at least in hobbit stories about dragons, what few there are, I mean, is that the dragon likes to make off with…with virgins.”  The attempt to sound casual failed utterly and his babbling faded out lamely as he finished.

“The lore of the dwarves agrees on that point.”  Bofur nodded, apparently aware that there was more to his question and waiting patiently for the completion.  The rest of the group had gone silent, listening in.

“If…if that’s true, wouldn’t a dragon be…rather adept at smelling the presence of a virgin near its lair?”

Nori let out a loud bark of a laugh as he realized where the conversation was heading, covering his mouth as Ori looked at him in confusion.  Fili and Kili were looking very carefully blank, and Bofur’s expression was equally unreadable as he answered. “Aye, according to legend a dragon could sense a virgin from miles away.  Something to do with purity.”

Bilbo squirmed.  Why had he chosen Bofur to ask about this?  Or rather, why had he done this in the presence of others?  “Then, wouldn’t it be dangerous to go near the lonely mountain with…with virgins in the company?  If Smaug is still there…he’ll…”

Fili and Kili were bright red, and shaking.  Ori still looked confused.  Bofur took a long breath from his pipe.  “That could indeed be a problem.  If necessary, I’m sure you could find someone in the company willing to…ah…make you less attractive to a dragon, halfling.”

Kili made a lewd gesture behind Bilbo’s back, and the hobbit turned when his brother smacked the archer to make him quit.  He eyed the pair until they stopped wrestling, giggling as they returned to their miraculously un-spilled soup, and turned back to Bofur.

“I don’t require any such service, thank you,” he said, doing his best to imitate the attitude his father had always called ‘being on his dignity’.  “I was asking on behalf of some of the younger members of the company.  Fili, Kili and Ori in particular—“

The princes gave perfectly synchronized snorts, breaking out into peals of laughter.  “You…you think I’ll be waking Smaug with my pure virgin scent?”  Fili asked, choking back his mirth.  Kili was apparently unable to speak, and appeared in severe danger of suffocation as he tried to stifle his own laughter, eventually taking a much larger than necessary bite of his dinner.

Bilbo inspected the blond for a moment.  It was true that Fili wasn’t _that_ young, and the handsome, golden-haired heir of Durin probably wouldn’t have had any trouble persuading potential bedmates.  “Fine, maybe not Fili,” he snapped, disgruntled.  “But you cannot possibly be absolutely sure of Kili…”

The dark haired dwarf did his best not to listen on the conversation, knowing he might well lose it again at any time.  However, when Fili said with a perfectly straight face, “Master Baggins, let us say I am quite certain of my brother’s…ah…dragon attracting properties, or lack thereof,” Kili inhaled a mouthful of his dinner and choked.

Fili thumped him on the back, and the hobbit gave them a strange look, but didn’t seem sure exactly what Fili meant.

“Well, you can hardly be sure, no matter what he’s told you,” Bilbo continued, but by now both of them were laughing so hard they were incapable of answering him.  The hobbit looked indignant and subsided, starting on his own cooling dinner.

Ori kept looking back and forth between the princes and Bilbo, still confused.  He would certainly have to ask his brother what that was about later.  And possibly consult someone else, someone less fussy, about the dragon issue.

**Author's Note:**

> I am considering expanding this into a Fili/Kili/Ori thing where Fili and Kili help Ori out with his little...issue. If there's demand I'll do it.


End file.
